15 tips for surviving this weekend's snowstorm, by my grandma

Image: Heather Dockray

By Heather Dockray2016-01-21 22:15:44 UTC

This my grandma. Her name is Joy. She is, as you would guess by her name, a joy.

As one of the possibly most dangerous snowstorms of the year approaches, I certainly didn't want to listen to the hyped-up Adderall fiends on the weather channel, who are desperate to make me feel scared, open links and buy bread. I wanted to speak to someone who, with the wisdom of age, could guide me safely through this natural disaster.

So, I reached out to my 91-year-old grandma, a woman who's lived on multiple continents, survived multiple natural disasters and manages to eat multiple Dunkin Donuts a day (even with diabetes). She — more than any other 'educated' professional — knows what to worry about, what to buy and how to live.

Here is what she had to say when I asked for tips on how to survive the upcoming storm:

1. "Why are you asking me this question? What job is this?"

2. "Don't go outside. Ever."

3. "Just stay inside and make some coffee. I've got donuts in the fridge!" (Again, she has diabetes).

GrandmaCookies

Scene from her kitchen.

4. "I'm not getting on the roads because there will be TRAFFIC and all you people drive like maniacs."

5. "You're a reporter? What kind of reporting is this?"

6. "Oh. Okay."

7. "I guess people should just stay inside and watch the TV. I'll be watching 'The Lawrence Welk Show.'" (The show went off the air in 1982.)

8. "The snow's not dangerous. It's just not nice."

9. "Order a lot of pizzas today. Tomorrow the roads will be too slippery and people are going to die."

10. "Stay inside, stay inside, do a crossword."

11. "The [neighbor] down the road always drives too fast in this weather and one day he's going to kill himself."

12. "I'm not rushing to the store to buy food. No thank you. Too many people."

13. "Watch the weather channel. And read the paper. Do you get the paper? What do you mean, you don't get the paper!?"

14. "YOU WILL be fine. It's the birds I'm worried about."

via GIPHY ^[1]
And finally:

15. "Tell everyone to call their grandma!"

Grandma5

References

^{^} via GIPHY (giphy.com)

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