Author Jan Robinson found out a lot about the male psyche while researching her latest book – tips from widowers who had lost their cherished partners. When writing her first book she approached all the widows she could think of – from a cashier she got talking to in Waitrose to friends of friends she invited round for a fact-gathering "widows' lunch". Most of the men loathed talking about their grief. But that didn't mean they weren't suffering just as she had when she was suddenly widowed five years ago. "Most men found talking about emotional subjects so impossible that almost all preferred to write to me," says Jan. "They were more able to express themselves on paper or email – I got pages and pages of truly heartfelt emotion and felt the unmeasurable depth of their pain." Taking things slowly is the way to go: forcing yourself to go out every day Jan, 70, began writing about widowhood after her husband Tony died of a heart attack aged 69 while on holiday in Cornwall in January, 2011. She'd set out for a morning walk, and when she returned he lay dead on the bathroom floor. She was left shocked, heartbroken and in a fog of grief – and discovered she had no clue how to deal with the paperwork, which he'd always dealt with. Then there was the house: should she sell it? And how would she occupy her days? She felt marooned, even with the support of her four adult children, and hated suddenly having to make decisions alone. Three weeks after his death she forced herself to go to a friend's party and happened to meet a widow. She begged her for advice and soon word spread so that she was picking up tips from dozens of women, which she self-published in a pocket-sized book, Tips From Widows. There was an overwhelming response, and it was soon picked up by a major publisher. Ever since, she's been badgered for a widowers' version and after gathering tips from dozens of men, the book is finally on the shelves. So does she think it is harder for men to lose their partner? Yes, if the man is domestically clueless. "If their wives have always looked after them, it's a double whammy when they become widowers: they have to learn how to cook and run a household while in emotional shock. Some men really rise to it – one man kept his house perfectly in honour of his wife, and carried on her tradition of arranging a vase of flowers on the hall table every week. But others are shuffling round the supermarket in dirty, shabby clothes, which is really sad to see." The other reason it can be more difficult is that it's usually their wives who navigate family relationships, so a widower can feel isolated once the flurry of visits and calls ends after the first few months. "One man said he had to learn how to chat on the phone to his daughter as his wife had done, rather than the perfunctory 1.2 minutes he would spend on a call. He said he could never replace his wife's role, but he did learn the skill of chatting, which brought him closer to his daughter." However, Jan was surprised to discover that many men's social lives actually improved after being widowed. "I spoke to one man who said, 'Weren't you exhausted, being asked out to endless lunches and social engagements after your husband died?' I had to say, 'No sweetie – you get asked out because you're a man.' Widows are not asked out like that because other women – always the ones asking – presume you can cope. As a widow, your social life collapses completely. The most important tip she picked up from widowers, she believes, is not to remarry too soon, and definitely not in the first year. "A combination of loneliness and needing someone to look after them as their wife did means that many men think remarrying will solve their problems," she says. "The relationship might be all right for a couple of years, but it's generally a mistake in the long run." Taking things slowly is the way to go: forcing yourself to go out every day, if only for a walk, and taking up new activities to distract yourself, while accepting that some days will be spent in tears and pyjamas as you slowly move through the grief cycle from shock, to anger, depression, then to finding new meaning and, ultimately, acceptance. To her surprise, Jan found the third year of widowhood the hardest (others told her the second year was the worst). "When you're a new widow or widower, you're concentrating on being brave, getting out there and learning to do the things your partner always did. Then the realisation dawns that this is your life now. It's going to go on like this: your status is now a widow. That's the hardest part." However, five years after Tony's death she feels in a better place than at any time so far. "I have discovered that I can cope – being in control of the finances, moving house, writing a book – all things I never thought possible. Of course I still miss him – what I wouldn't give to have a night disturbed by his snoring again. But I'm so happy when the children say, 'Dad would be so proud of you.'" Although she's had one brief "light flirtation", she's not into dating and doesn't think she will ever marry again. "I had 46 years with my husband – he adored me and I adored him. All those years I had everything I could possibly dream of – it's more than many people have, so I'm content." Tips From Widowers by Jan Robinson is out now, priced £8.99. See Bookshop at expressbookshop.co.uk[1]. Walk every day Intense grief floods your body with the stress hormones adrenaline and cortisone, which can cause breathlessness, stomach pains, dizziness, palpitations, forgetfulness and hallucinations or vivid dreams. Help work them off by walking for an hour a day (could you get a dog?) or take up a sport if you're able. Singing is also proven to lower cortisone. Establish different routines Are there interests you had that your partner didn't like or a busy family life ruled out? Aim to take up at least one new activity or interest in the first year. It's not a cure for grief but it's a useful distraction. It will also get you out a couple of times a week, which is vital. Don't be offended by others' reactions to your grief You'll hear comments like, "I know just how you feel, my dog died yesterday," or, "Will you be marrying again?" and, "So sorry to hear about your wife – it gets worse, you know." People often don't know what to say so they blurt out whatever comes into their heads, but they don't mean it. If asked, "How are you?" a useful stock answer is, "It depends." Don't rush to get rid of your late partner's belongings If seeing their photos, mementoes and clothes and shoes is too upsetting, it's better to hide them in the first few months and deal with them when you feel stronger. Others may urge you to act fast, but rushing to give away clothes, jewellery or keepsakes can create regrets – and possible family rifts – later on. Take charge of your kitchen Reorganise the kitchen so you feel it's yours. Give away or hide any gadgets you don't think you'll use, familiarise yourself with everything else and put things where you know you'll find them. Learn to cook a few basic dishes – see it as a project. 
Top tips on coping with loss
References
- ^ expressbookshop.co.uk (www.expressbookshop.co.uk)
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